A week ago, I found myself constantly reading news articles about the coronavirus, the economy, the shutdown of the state and the multitude of other stories related to our current pandemic. As a 52-year-old, I can very honestly say that my generation has never experienced a set of circumstances such as these. My anxiety was rising with every click of my mouse and every word that came across my screen.

I could find stories anywhere and anytime from my personal emails, 3-6 emails per day from the Washington Post or New York Times, to the social media posts to even my favorite ESPN app. Everything and everywhere had something to say related to this world-altering virus.

I realized that as I consumed more media regardless of quality of the content, my anxiety was on a continuous climb higher and higher. I made a decision to limit my consumption to reading updates from 1-2 respectable, journalistic organizations twice a day. I also limited my use of social media to a few times a day. I am working to find that balance between being a well-informed and educated citizen and an anxiety-ridden crazy person.

This realization got me thinking about my children. I wonder how much they are reading about these events. Are they following the exponentially increasing numbers of sick people? Do they read the same posts of people’s descriptions of actually having COVID-19? Do they see Tik Tok after Tik Tok of teens partying on beaches and wonder why they are forced to stay home?

I wonder where they are getting their information. Are they credible sources or are they sensationalized social media posts looking to accumulate clicks? Are they getting the right information or are they simply viewing memes that bring humor, irony, and satire to the situation?

Finally, I wonder, how are they processing the information they are consuming? Are they stressed or anxious? Do they understand the real purpose and goal of social distancing (that answer is generally no)? Do they have questions or is there an opportunity for a productive discussion?

Take a minute to think back to when you were a kid and a world altering event happened. What comes to mind? For me, it was the assassination attempt of Ronald Reagan on March 30, 1981 and the explosion of the space shuttle, Challenger, on January 28, 1986. As reports of both events unfolded, I watched the news on the TV, in my family room, with my parents. My parents could see exactly what information I was consuming, how I was processing it, and whether I was feeling anxious as a result. Naturally, there was conversation as we all processed the tragedies.

Fast forward to today. Consider this from a recent study by Common Sense Media:

• 54% of teens get news from social media
• 50% get news from YouTube
• 41% get news reported by news organizations either in print or online

Common Sense Media source

These statistics suggest two things. First, teens are consuming media related to world and life changing events from their devices They are often alone and isolated in bedrooms or sitting on the living room couch, but without us knowing what they are reading.

Second, as a parent, I realize that I have no idea what, who and how:

• What are they consuming? Text? Video?
• Who is producing the content? Is it a credible source? What is the bias (all sources have a bias) of the source?
• How are they reacting? Is the information building knowledge that creates comfort? Do they understand the issues?

The reality is that we are all on our phones a lot, especially now. Consider these suggestions to help our teens better understand this situation and manage fear and anxiety:

1. Watch a news segment together. Or suggest that they watch something that you have watched. Ask some open-ended questions about it. The goal is to open dialogue.
2. Test their understanding. Do not assume that they understand the facts around key issues. For example, I asked one of my teens if he understood why we are social distancing. The answer he gave was “so I don’t get sick”. Well…not exactly. As of a week ago, my college kid did not know about the importance of “flattening the curve” nor the impending breakdown of healthcare if we cannot slow the progression.
3. Listen. Listen. Listen! Validate. Validate. Validate! Let them talk and articulate their thoughts. Right or wrong, give them a safe place to begin a dialogue. Their worlds have stopped, paused, and they’ve lost many opportunities. They are uncertain of when school will resume, when they can see friends, who will get sick, will someone they know die. These are TOUGH issues for all of us. They are new and uncharted, but teens struggle to identify the fear that comes with it. Give them that space with you.
4. Create some tech-free time. Pick an hour a day or every other day. Ask everyone in the house to put tech down for that time period. Consider how much time is spent on devices right now with distanced learning, virtual meetups, and social media. We can all use an hour or so to unplug.

Stay safe. Stay healthy. Stay strong.

Liz

Is social media responsible for an increase in teen depression and anxiety? According US News and World Reports, the number of youths with mental health disorders has nearly doubled in the last decade. Many people point directly to the increase in technology in teens lives. It is inarguable that the amount of screen time in the form of social media, gaming, and texting has exponentially increased for all of us in the last decade and especially in the lives of teens. But does this increase result in more anxiety, depression, etc.? The reality is there are articles and research that support both sides of this argument.

Research aside, here is my reality. My 15-year-old daughter is an avid, typical teen user of social media. I feel like she spent most of her summer doing what I refer to as “mindlessly scrolling” through Instagram, Reddit, and Vsco. I held my opinion to myself when I often wanted to exclaim “How has anything possibly changed on Instagram since you last looked at your feed 3 minutes ago?” I knew that this was not a productive question.

One evening I was sitting with her on the front porch and out of the blue and unprompted she says, “My phone is driving me crazy.” I was surprised and very curious where this conversation was going. My instinct told me less is more and to hold my own words tight: let her talk. So, I responded with a simple “Really?”. She then added “Well, it isn’t really my phone. It is Instagram. It is stressing me out! I feel so much pressure to like people’s post and make the right comments. It is hard to keep up.”  This is a teenager that doesn’t often open up like this. So, I knew it must be causing her some real anxiety.

As a mother, I wanted to tell her to put her phone down, stop mindlessly scrolling, Instagram is dumb, and none of it matters. But these were not effective responses to her feelings nor were they solutions that she would embrace. More importantly, I knew those comments were conversation enders, and I wanted to keep this dialog going. I wanted to build her awareness of her social media use and how it makes her feel. If she could identify which part of her use of social media caused her anxiety, then she could possibly develop her own changes to her behavior. This might create more impactful and long-lasting solutions.

Here are the 3 ways that were effective in building her awareness and driving towards her solutions:

1. I asked questions. I kept the questions simple, and most importantly, I tried to express absolutely no judgement. The goal of the questions was to get her to think and reflect on her use. I asked things like “How do you feel?”, “What would happen if you didn’t keep up?”, “How would your life be affected if you didn’t comment?”
2. I listened more than I talked. At the age of 15-years-old, she is starting to resist my lectures more than she did a few years ago. Her opinions and knowledge of her world is expanding, and her independence is growing. By listening, she was allowed the space to figure it out herself. Certainly, I interjected some opinions and suggestions, but I kept them very short and simple.
3. I asked her to come up with 2 or 3 changes to how she uses social media that might reduce her anxiety. Yes, I had about 100 changes I could have suggested or demanded she make, but this was not productive nor sustaining. By the end of the conversation, she had a few things she wanted to work on.

We can read articles and research findings all day, but our own children are living the reality of being tremendously connected to the digital world. That is not changing anytime soon. The goal is to provide a safe, non-threatening place where they can examine, question, and explore their feelings around their own use of technology. Our children are smart, actually smarter than we realize. By providing them empathy, mentoring, and a space to explore, I am hopeful many of them will begin to adapt their digital habits in healthy ways.

Fingers are crossed, I hope this works! It is great to read that one of, if not, the leading social media platforms for kids is doing something to reduce the amount of online, cruel behavior that occurs. Instagram posts, comments, and DM’s have served as a too easy and convenient way for kids to bully. Now Instagram will use AI (artificial intelligence) to prompt users to reconsider the action before it is posted.

Is Instagram invoking the concept of “Pause B4 U Post”? This is one of the main objectives of our CASE (Cyber Awareness & Safety Education) curricula we use in schools across the country. The goal is to educate students to self monitor and self protect online. One main tenent of the curricula is to Pause B4 U Post; to think through your actions before that enter or post button is invoked. We suggest students consider one or more of the following questions during that pause:

• What would happen if my mom or grandma saw this?
• How will the other person feel when he or she sees this?
• What story does this tell about me?

It does not matter what the question is as long as the students pause and think. Many students report back to us that when they slow down, pause and consider the consequences of the online post, they often change it, select different words, or skip the post all together.

Instagram is implementing a new feature to curb bullying on the site. AI is being used to flag comments that appear to be offensive or hurtful. It prompts the user with the question “Are you sure you want to post this?” The user then has the option to modify the post or remove it. The decision ultimately lies with the user.

This is a great opportunity to have a conversation with your children on the subject of social media, digital drama, and appropriate online behavior. Print out an article on the new functionality on Instagram, this one or one of the many others you find online. Ask their opinions on how they feel about what Instagram is adding. Listen to how they feel about it and if they think it will help. Kids have experiences and thoughts on what is happening not just on Instagram but all social media and this is an opportunity to hear them. After all, this is their virtual playground and they spend a lot of time there, as we all know.

Rewind to spring 2017…13 Reasons Why was all the rage in both middle and high schools, especially among girls. The hottest questions on the table for parents were “Should I allow my child to watch this?” Or even more basic, “What is this show I keep hearing about?” School administers were facing the same questions and dealing with the students’ discussions in the classrooms and hallways. This Netflix series, produced by Selena Gomez, was the buzz!

13 Reasons Why is the story of Hannah Baker, a high school teen who commits suicide, leaving behind audio tapes identifying 13 people or reasons for killing herself. The series deals with topics such as sexual assault, substance abuse, bullying, and obviously, suicide.

I wanted to watch if for myself, both as a professional working with students and parents and as a parent of a, then, 12 year old girl. I was receiving emails and calls daily from parents, administrators, and teachers. I found the entire series difficult to watch. It was uncomfortable. It was depressing. It was sad. I started. I stopped. I went back. I was relieved when I finished the final episode. The buzz seemed to die down as spring turned into summer.

I tried to answer the question being asked repeatedly, “Should I allow my child to watch this?” I considered it as a professional, but I could not factor out the mother in me. I kept thinking of my own 12 year old daughter, and my gut instinct said “NO”! Honestly, some of the scenes are graphic, including Hannah’s actual suicide, in episode 13, in a bathtub, slitting her wrists. It was haunting and I could not actually watch this scene. I could not see any upside to my own daughter watching a suicide, fictional or not.

Fast forward to spring 2018…13 Reasons Why, Season 2 arrived in my Netflix queue. My heart sank. What more is there to depict? Suicide, rape, alcohol, drugs…they covered them all in Season 1, pretty thoroughly. The first episode starts out with this message from the cast encouraging people who feel troubled or in danger to get help, talk about it, or not watch the show. Frankly, most people watching, will fast forward right through this.

Is a show that addresses such mature and difficult topics appropriate for middle school students? Some argue it raises awareness on these topics that are relevant in our current environment. Others argue that younger teens, some who haven’t even hit puberty yet, cannot comprehend the magnitude of these subjects. One middle school teacher wrote this:

My stomach turns and drops multiple times a day, every single day without fail, listening to my students talk so casually about suicide in reference to this Netflix show. “I would have done it like this”, “she should have done it this way” “you are one of my 13 reasons why (this one was a new one today and directed at me “as a joke”)”, “I’m going home and recording my tapes after school”, “go and pull a Hannah.” Each statement is followed by laughter.

I keep coming back to the question “Should I allow my child to watch this?” This is a personal, parenting decision. My suggestion in finding your own answer to this question, like all things, is to take the time to educate yourself first. Then make an informed decision. Parents need to consider the pros and cons of this complex subject matter along with the maturity of the child.

• Watch a few episodes for yourself
• Do some research. Read things like this CNN article. Read reviews on  reputable sites like Common Sense Media.
• Talk to other parents. A group consensus among the parents’ of your child’s friends can be very powerful.
• Ask your child what he or she knows about the show. I guarantee that they know about it and have some opinions to offer.

If you ultimately decide it is appropriate for your child to view, view it with him or her. It might present some great opportunities for valuable discussion and ongoing dialog on these critical topics. Try to do more listening than talking. And finally, talk about people who have overcome such struggles. Highlight ways to deal with things like depression and anxiety in real life. Pose hypothetical situations like “what would you do if your friend told you she was going to commit suicide?” Most importantly, provide some real life stories and examples like these in this campaign by the Houston County Board of Education.